Today's prompt is 'out of the comfort zone' so I'm going to share with you some excerpts from my LiveJournals that I used to have. This really is out of my comfort zone - as you know I haven't really talked about my history of mental health on this here blog, apart from the interview I did with Becki a while ago.
It's hard for me to talk about because it's all so personal, and also I have a constant fear of relapse, so I am always afraid to think about it in case it comes back (probably not a healthy attitude, but it seems to be working for me).
These are a few extracts from when I was about 16 or so, I'm not sure if I'll keep this post up or not. Warning - possible trigger ahead...
i am here. all alone. god, im sad.
im not going to cut im not going to cut im not going to cut im not im not imnotimnotimnotnotnotnot
how long will i last this time? how long are these black clouds going to hang over my head and follow me around?? i hate having them there. i hate the fact that every thought that enters my head spirals around and around, and gets twisted until i have nothing but warped thoughts that are so far removed from the origional thought that ive fabricated a million new worries and concerns and heartbreaks. ... last night could have been the end for me. if i had ended up at home on my own, if i hadnt gone online, i would not be here now. ... but i hate it so much. im sick of being this way. im sick of scaring people, and depressing them by association. i want to be happy
After everything that happened last night I DID NOT CUT. and that is the most important thing ever. ... i talked to people and i got myself out of that place. i can talk myself down. next time, i might not be able to, i just know that if ive done it once, i can do it again... similaraly... i can go one week without alcohol, then i can go two weeks. or three. regardless of the fact i have been drinking since half past eight last night. and i haven't got sober yet...
disregard above statement. alcohol helps my thoughts and feeling flow freely through my fingertips into the wide web that is this journal, and my friends... my friends help me through my worst times. ... sorry for scaring the shit out of you guys recently.
alcohol is good. people get me to stop drinking "calm down". you sound like a broken record. & absinthe should be banned. so should vodka. i should go back to drinking alcopops through a straw while spinning in a circle (ah those were the days).
i found a page of my drunken post-cutting scrawl from the other week. i dont remember writing it. i've said it before, i'll say it again - i hate that. i hate waking up on a morning, and finding suicide notes littering my floor.